Whats the glycemic index on semen?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
40s are totally the cure
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
