Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
