there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
