Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
