Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
