either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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