Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
