Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
