I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
