We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
