Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
