Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
