the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
