Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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