She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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