I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
