Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
