mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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