He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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