Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
