shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
