can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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