Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I need a burrito and a hug.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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