While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize