Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
