So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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