So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
