apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Randomize
