this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I smell like Dick and happiness
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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