you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
