we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
