He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
