last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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