So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
