good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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