Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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