Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
is that a dick in a sweater?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
