not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
