I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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