i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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