I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
