Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
