I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
