I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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