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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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