i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
