He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
