I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I intend to get homeless drunk
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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