Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
