You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
