She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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