last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
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I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
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Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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