You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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