Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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