Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
