Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
