i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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